Last night, I had one of the deepest talks with my best friend, which was about our future. Not career wise, but about relationships and possible marriage. We haven't had conversations like this before, and like what we would say "well that escalated quickly". In a more positive way.

I used to be super boy crazy. Well not SUPER, but always thinking what it would be like to be in a relationship (since I have never had one yet). But as of last year, I have not really thought about it. Then last night's conversation got me to think about it again.

We were thinking about what we would look for in a guy, what qualities would we want them to have? I remember telling her qualities, and she told me to think about it again. Shut down so many times, but it was right for her to help me with that. It helped me think about what I really want, instead of the typical things people look for in guys. And it also helped me confirm things that I had put in my mind before.
1) I would be alright with God not giving me a spouse.
2) To find someone who likes me more than I like them.
3) I currently do not feel the rush to pursue a relationship
4) I would only pursue the relationship if the guy actively pursues me.
For me to confirm these things is taking a big step for me. I will look at relationships even more seriously, and take more into consideration, as I also told my best friend that I would love for my first to be my last. I blame that thought for watching, but it is a nice thought.

Then today, I was surfing the web, and I came across certain things which is really what I now truly believe. When I am looking for a relationship, I will now consider more of these things.

He must be a leader.
God intended for men to lead, which doesn't mean women are powerless. But it is God's intention for men to take charge.
He must be able to make wise choices, understands what the Bible teaches about biblical marriage, and is committed to doing his best to lead like Christ.
1. He is committed to his own spiritual growth and doesn't depend on others to spur him on spiritually.
2. He regularly reads the Word and seeks to live out what it says.
3. He challenges others to have vibrant faith through loving encouragement.
4. He seeks out wise council when her doesn't know what to do rather than shying away from making hard decisions.
5. He makes wise choices.

which will lead to...
He must pray
prayer is how we connect with God. God's Word promises that our prayers have the power to effect change. So seeking the spouse that prays, decides on who will weather the storms of life with you. That they will pray in times of need, instead of depending on himself. A man who understands his role as a leader of his household should also be committed to leading his family in prayer.
1. Have you seen him pray with others?
2. Have you heard him talk about what God is teaching him through prayer?
3. Does he ask others to pray for him?
4. Does he encourage others to pray?
5. Does he have regular quiet time with God?

These points give me direction when I am praying, and 'choosing'. Of course, ultimately, it is up to God to direct my future. But then people might think "Why is there so much that I demand of the man? What about the woman?"
I can't just pray for this man to appear in my life, I must prepare too.
Proverbs 31:10-31 talks about The Wife of Noble Character, and these is one verse, verse 12, that stood out more. She brings him good not harm, all the days of her life.
The devotions I read regarding that, said that 'all the days of her life' will definitely be talking about after marriage, even while dating. But she brought up a point: What about loving your man before you ever meet him?
It was real mind blowing. I must love him before I meet him, before we start this relationship. So that I will bring good to him. And THIS will change how I view relationships. I can't just blindly want a relationship. I have to prepare myself, for the better of my future spouse.
1. How would it change the dating choices you made if your goal is to bring your future husband good, not harm?
2. Would it impact the decisions you make about your future career if you kept blessing your husband in mind?
3. What books could you read now to prepare you to do your husband good in the future?

Relationships are not just about loving the other person, and including God in the relationship. But to prepare yourself FOR the relationship, so that it may be beneficial to both parties, to be in the relationship. So that you can edify your other half.

I need a motivation to start losing weight again. I have regained almost all my weight, and as much as I want to be fitter, I can't bring myself to work out. Why is that? And I don't know why, maybe its cause I have deprived myself of it for so long, but my love for junk food is killing me. Ugh.

Close to You

가까이 다가가고 싶었지만 가까이 다가갈 수 없었습니다. 

내가 가까이 다가가면 다가가는 만큼 

그대가 멀어질 것 같아서..



가까이 다가가면.. 

내가 다가가면... 

그대는 영영 떠나갈 것 같아서

가까이 다가갈 수 없었습니다.



그대가 떠나간 뒤, 그 상처와 그리움 

감당할 수 없을 것 같아서

가까이 다가가고 싶었지만 

더이상 가까이 다가갈 수 없었습니다.



한 순간 가까웁다 영영 그대를 떠나게 하는 것보다 

거리는 조금 떨어져 있지만 오래도록 그대를 

바라보고 싶는 마음이 더 앞섰기에...

내 눈엔...

너 만 보인다는말...

난...거짓말이라고 생각해...

내눈엔 많은 사람들이 보여..

그 치만..그 많은 사람들 중에서

" 너만을 찾게돼..."



세상에 완벽한 남자와

완벽한 여자는없다.

모자라는 남자와

모자라는 여자가 만들어가는

완벽한 사랑만이 있을뿐이다.

- Yijeong Hanim

My heart.

I had posted about this before, but this thought has come to my head again as I lay here with insomnia.

What does my future hold? Where is my future?

I start a new job on Monday, and to be honest I was disappointed that it took me so long to get a job as I had been sending out resumes to so many places. And this marks a new start, but it shouldn't be where I should stay forever.

Then tonight, I had the thought of two words that do close and dear to my heart: 

香港。

Why? Certain thoughts led to certain things, and this word came up.

Summer of 2011 I was given the chance to explore Hong Kong for four months while working for my uncle at a simple desk job. The thought was so exciting, and honestly it was a pure blessing. I experienced somewhat the working culture, and the life there. The blessing came to me in the form of my relatives. I lived at my uncle's place which was out in the New Territories. Spacious and very similar to Canada. Went to work every day, and went out on the weekends with the girls who were also in HK that summer. I worked a 9-6 job, and lived in a wonderful place with wonderful people in excellent circumstances. All I worried about was where I wanted to go for the weekend. This is what everyone knew about that vacation. But those four months was the most distant I had been from God ever. Sure, I prayed before meals and didn't do bad things, but I probably went to church three times the entire summer. My excuse would be that church was too far away. I lived in Tuen Mun and my aunt's church was on the HK side. I remember the first month I was there, I skyped my fellowship at least once or twice while eating pancakes in te morning, just to listen in on the Bible study (if you were there, you would have known it failed miserably. Couldn't hear a thing. Thanks guys for trying.) I always felt that i was on vacation there, and it didn't matter: boy was I wrong. I felt so empty those months, as much as I was so happy experiencing everything around me. So I'm guessing that was why I indulged on food, on the verge of gluttony. And that is why I came back so fat ( see it all makes sense)

Fast forward two years, and I am visiting HK again, in the month of May, but this time with my family. And this time it was so different. I lived on the HK side, I didn't work, and I was only there for a month. But I still got to 'experience' working life in HK through my aunt whom we lived with (thank you for taking us in!). She worked long hours, and sometimes even though we would go out with my moms friends, there were multiple times where we would be home before she would be. Another 'experience' was with my mom's friends, uncles I would call them. Took us almost the entire month to fit us into their schedules so that we could eat with them. And even so, one of them technically only ate with us for an hour, as he had to go pick up his boss from the airport and go to another meeting. This is night time I am talking about! But this time, during this trip, I was able to experience God much much more. My brother and I were introduced to an English church which wasn't too far from where we lived, and we made an attempt to go every Sunday we were intown. The speaker captivated us, and God spoke to me through those messages. Not only through those messages, but throughout the entire trip, I really felt God with me wherever I went. 

Now to get to the real point of this post. I have a heart to live in this city, love this city, and serve this city. Especially since there is so much unrest and (dare I use the word) hatred. But my heart is also where I have lived most my life, where my  largest spiritual family is. And I have learned that as much as I personally would want something, it is my necessarily what God wants for me.

This summer I almost had a chance to intern at one of the larger banks in Hong Kong. And through prayer, and asking God for guidance, that door was closed on me. I'll fess up one of the reasons why I wanted to stay was because Shinhwa's first oversea concert for their 16 anniversary was in HK and that would be their first concert there. ANYWAY.

Door was closed on me, and I came back to work at my other job that God had blessed me with. For some reason I was at peace with God's direction, and I don't 'regret' it.

Living and working in Hong Kong is much harder than it is here. The competition is even more fierce and everything is about money. I would love to challenge myself to be in this environment, but I cannot bring to leave everything behind. My grandpa would love for me to be back in HK, closer to him. As is for everyone else in our families. But here is my prayer to God: 

Dear God, Heavenly Father.

I don't know what to do about my future as my heart is being torn. I can hear the city calling out to me, to serve and love everyone. But at the same time, my home church is calling out my name. I don't know what to do about where I want to go. But most importantly, where you would want me to go. God please show me the way, show me where you want me to go. As the song says

'I will go, I will go, I will go Lord send me to the world, to the lost, to the poor and hungry. Take everything I am, I'm clay within your hands, I will go, I will go send me' 

You might not even want me in Hong Kong, but Lord, send me where you want me to do your work. And I will go. Show me how you have planned my future to be. I put you in my heart as my GPS, and I will learn to trust you. I will trust you. I pray you will give me the wisdom to discern what is  the way. I thank you Lord for blessing me, with so many opportunities and experiences that I will never forget. As I know that everything, all glory goes back to you. Everything is because of you.

If you read this, please also pray for me that I will be able to find out what my future will be like. Whether it is to stay here in Toronto, or to go somewhere else in the world, that I will seek God to find the place for me. And that I will be able to provide for my family, and lift the burden off of my moms shoulders. 

Therr are things that I can't wrap my head around. The fact that I still feel this way. I have been told many times of different things, but somehow I don't see what people mention. I just see the good, or what I think is good. If this feeling is not even mutual why do I bother? It is probably because every so often you just pop back into my life again, and everything just starts all over again. 

How do I stop this? I get it.

I'm jus a hopeless romantic, thinking things are different because you are who you are, and I am me.

Unless you are the first to say something, I am not going to ever be that forward.

I joined the a body fitness program at my school, and I am hoping for the best :) The program is named "Cre-8 Your Best Body" They have sent me a something like a workout routine. I have already started working out since the beginning of school, so hopefully it'll help me prep for the 'measurements' on Thursday. Nervous and excited at the same time.
So this post is just to mark the start of a 8 week program. Hopefully something will be awesome.
But, I've gotta find some sort of meal plan I can do, cause the one they gave me was crappy :/

The greatest thing a man can do for a woman is to lead her closer to God than to himself.

Today I learned of the passing of my cousins' grandma. No she is not my grandma. But I did get the honor of meeting her two years ago. I was in Hong Kong two years ago, by myself, and I lived with my cousin and her family. I remember on weekends, in the evening, we would go to grandma's place where she lived with her helper to have dinner with her.
The first time I met her, I remember she spoke a Chinese dialect, which was familiar to Cantonese. I understood most of what she said, but I really liked talking to her. even though it was my first time meeting her, she talked to me as if she has known me for a long time. She told me to love my mom, treasure and respect her. I will never forget her telling me that.
She then showed me all the photos on the wall. Across from her bed, there was a wall plastered with photos. Photos of my cousins when they were babies, my aunt when they got married, and the rest of the family. From cousins, to daughters, songs and even great grand children.
Although her body was not in the best condition, she still had a smile on her face. All I remember of her are good memories, although I have only been able to interact with her for a short period of time, her personality seeped through her skin.
This summer when I went back, I did not get the chance to visit her. And now I truly regret that.

Thank you grandma for making such a last impact on me. I have only visited you on less than 5 occasions, but I enjoyed every single one of them. Now that you are in heaven, may you rest in peace. You are now in a place with no pain, sickness, and nothing bad. Watch over your grandchildren and great grandchildren as they continue to grow, and now take care of your children.

<3

I like someone.
Someone whom I should give up on.
It's a one sided love (in Korean that's a 짝사랑).

But there are things he has done for me that I do not think I would be able to forget.
Needing to forget this person is like breaking up in a relationship that never happened. Best friend has suggested me to listen to sad songs and just let it all out.

나는 바보...Special stupid.
To like someone who never notices me.
It is hard for me to finally let this go, but I have to.

As I continue to work through different things, I learn stress management. I think that is how everyone learns. But I somehow feel like I am not very good at it, this stress management thing. Why do I know? When I am stressed, I tend to eat a LOT more, and it is physically noticeable. FML.

Then there are things that I don't know how to handle, everyone has those times. Where things are thrown at you from all aspects of life. Or there are things that you cannot make sense of it yourself. You might think I deal with things very maturely and I am able to figure it out myself. 

WRONG.

Then you might ask, why don't you talk to someone about it?

And I would answer you: I would LOVE to talk to someone about it. But here is my view on it.

Everyone has troubles in their own lives. Just because they have not spoken up about it, does not mean that they do not have any troubles. To talk about my own troubles to them would double their thinking, and potentially stressing them out twice as much. For someone who is bothered by, say, 4 things, to have an extra thing to help their friend think about divides their attention from the 4 to one extra one. 25% to 20%.

Also, there are things that people I know have never experienced. How do they help me through that? (Stress level for them would rise another 50%)

On the other hand, I love helping others with their problems and troubles, whether it is just someone to vent to, or someone to bounce ideas off of. 

Twice this year I was asked if I were to work, offered two basically same jobs, where would I go, stay in Toronto or go to Hong Kong.

Once I was asked by my grandpa, and definitely 'no pressure'. But he was the one who got me to start thinking about it. His heart was for me to come home, be close to him, and not be in Canada anymore. Thinking about it, it isn't for selfish reasons. I would love to be able to spend more time with him.

On the other hand, I don't know if I could bear the thought of leaving all my friends and family here in Toronto. I love them all, and it pains me to even think about it.

Again, this weekend I was asked the same question by an uncle (not a relative). And it had me thinking all over again. I have lots of family in Hong Kong, much more then I have here. At the same time, my spiritual family is the biggest here. 

As much I would like to write down my ultimate decision here, it is really up to God. If there is an offer, and I am called, then I will react the way God would want me to. And definitely I would then reflect on it more here.

At the moment my focus is to finish school. 

There are some things that I want to say to you. I wonder if you feel the same way too. If you don't please stop giving me hope. If you do... Be a man.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops,

What if Your healing comes through tears,

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You are near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

I knew you were trouble when you walked in (to my life) and shame on me (for not knowing what to do)

I like somebody and I don't know what to do.
Saddest thing is... it's been a while.
All I can do is trust in God.

My least favourite part of my body... My weak knees. 

Last day of camp has made me sad. Victoria, I will visit you next year. I felt so bad that I made you cry.

Thank you to my workout buddy who persevered with me to get the move right. But... I feel like I somehow over-exherted myself today, and pulled something somewhere. I need to get back in shape.

I think I have been pushing myself on to this person too quickly. I feel like any chance I get, I just use it to my advantage.

Sorry for not caring about how you feel and whether you had the same feelings. But I want an answer.

Moments when you feel all alone.

But then, could you really expect everyone to understand you/read your mind all the time?

It would be unfair of me to do so.

The blame comes back to me. Do not expect other people to do what you haven't even thought of. 

The one who will truly understand you is yourself and God, and the people you let into your life.

There are so many things to be thankful for.
Mommy found a contract job! Praise the Lord! I am glad people who interview her want to hire her right away. Hehehe :) The Lord is good! His love endures forever! Thank you God!
Today I also found out how to control my kids, without having to yell and scream at the top of my lungs. Which results in me feeling not as tired at the end of my day. God has given me wisdom to handle everything.
Also, somebody gave me an appreciative drawing, saying I am the best teacher. That makes me really reflect on the past four weeks I have spent at camp. Have I really done the best I could? Have I really been that 'best teacher' that they have written? I need to work harder now, and live up to it. I am so thankful that they have found me to be a good teacher, and don't mind me being lazy every so often. I have more responsibility to be even better to them.
Then there are things I have thought about. There are things I have thought "Should I?" After talking it out, I have been encouraged. But I will pray over it tonight before doing anything. There are just so many things on my mind, and I need to process one thing at a time.

Too many feels... So confused.

Once again, I have let you affect who I am. I don't know why things like this brings me down, but it does. I need something to distract me from it, everything I do somehow always makes me think of you.
I need help to get out of this cycle.

I was so excited at first.
But now, I don't want to see you any more.

From a while ago...

I read this on absolutshinwa. It's from 에릭 오빠's FB.

I really want to fall in love
The sky is so blue, the stars are really pretty
Please let me have a lover who will agree with me

I echo what he thinks.
Hope the time will come soon.
For him and for me.

A Gentleman's Dignity

Love is important.
But are you going to measure your value only as somebody's lover?
If it's fate (meant to be),it can't be avoided.