The greatest thing a man can do for a woman is to lead her closer to God than to himself.

Today I learned of the passing of my cousins' grandma. No she is not my grandma. But I did get the honor of meeting her two years ago. I was in Hong Kong two years ago, by myself, and I lived with my cousin and her family. I remember on weekends, in the evening, we would go to grandma's place where she lived with her helper to have dinner with her.
The first time I met her, I remember she spoke a Chinese dialect, which was familiar to Cantonese. I understood most of what she said, but I really liked talking to her. even though it was my first time meeting her, she talked to me as if she has known me for a long time. She told me to love my mom, treasure and respect her. I will never forget her telling me that.
She then showed me all the photos on the wall. Across from her bed, there was a wall plastered with photos. Photos of my cousins when they were babies, my aunt when they got married, and the rest of the family. From cousins, to daughters, songs and even great grand children.
Although her body was not in the best condition, she still had a smile on her face. All I remember of her are good memories, although I have only been able to interact with her for a short period of time, her personality seeped through her skin.
This summer when I went back, I did not get the chance to visit her. And now I truly regret that.

Thank you grandma for making such a last impact on me. I have only visited you on less than 5 occasions, but I enjoyed every single one of them. Now that you are in heaven, may you rest in peace. You are now in a place with no pain, sickness, and nothing bad. Watch over your grandchildren and great grandchildren as they continue to grow, and now take care of your children.

<3

I like someone.
Someone whom I should give up on.
It's a one sided love (in Korean that's a 짝사랑).

But there are things he has done for me that I do not think I would be able to forget.
Needing to forget this person is like breaking up in a relationship that never happened. Best friend has suggested me to listen to sad songs and just let it all out.

나는 바보...Special stupid.
To like someone who never notices me.
It is hard for me to finally let this go, but I have to.

As I continue to work through different things, I learn stress management. I think that is how everyone learns. But I somehow feel like I am not very good at it, this stress management thing. Why do I know? When I am stressed, I tend to eat a LOT more, and it is physically noticeable. FML.

Then there are things that I don't know how to handle, everyone has those times. Where things are thrown at you from all aspects of life. Or there are things that you cannot make sense of it yourself. You might think I deal with things very maturely and I am able to figure it out myself. 

WRONG.

Then you might ask, why don't you talk to someone about it?

And I would answer you: I would LOVE to talk to someone about it. But here is my view on it.

Everyone has troubles in their own lives. Just because they have not spoken up about it, does not mean that they do not have any troubles. To talk about my own troubles to them would double their thinking, and potentially stressing them out twice as much. For someone who is bothered by, say, 4 things, to have an extra thing to help their friend think about divides their attention from the 4 to one extra one. 25% to 20%.

Also, there are things that people I know have never experienced. How do they help me through that? (Stress level for them would rise another 50%)

On the other hand, I love helping others with their problems and troubles, whether it is just someone to vent to, or someone to bounce ideas off of. 

Twice this year I was asked if I were to work, offered two basically same jobs, where would I go, stay in Toronto or go to Hong Kong.

Once I was asked by my grandpa, and definitely 'no pressure'. But he was the one who got me to start thinking about it. His heart was for me to come home, be close to him, and not be in Canada anymore. Thinking about it, it isn't for selfish reasons. I would love to be able to spend more time with him.

On the other hand, I don't know if I could bear the thought of leaving all my friends and family here in Toronto. I love them all, and it pains me to even think about it.

Again, this weekend I was asked the same question by an uncle (not a relative). And it had me thinking all over again. I have lots of family in Hong Kong, much more then I have here. At the same time, my spiritual family is the biggest here. 

As much I would like to write down my ultimate decision here, it is really up to God. If there is an offer, and I am called, then I will react the way God would want me to. And definitely I would then reflect on it more here.

At the moment my focus is to finish school. 

There are some things that I want to say to you. I wonder if you feel the same way too. If you don't please stop giving me hope. If you do... Be a man.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops,

What if Your healing comes through tears,

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You are near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise