Have you ever had times when you felt dumb for not being able to accomplish something? Or that you've done stuff that other people call you stupid for doing so? And then you question yourself: " Then what am I good for?"

And then there are times when I know I am too full of myself, and I ask myself "What are you doing stupid?" There is that one common word: stupid.

These few years that is how I have felt about myself. I forget words that I literally just spoke minutes ago, I don't know how to use words that I hear other people use, I keep drawing blanks when asked for ideas, and I can't keep my thoughts straight. There are things people say I'm 'good at' but honestly,  they are just being polite. 

I am not very smart, very easily swayed, and very eager to help. I love shoving my self to be part of everything, and I am the awkward one. I don't love myself the way I have described myself to be up there, but God for some reason loves me very much because of those exact reasons. 

I am still learning to receive that love from God, because there are many times that I think I am undeserving of that love. But of course He loves me no matter who I am, what I do. 

God, please speak to me, I want to be different, I want to change. I don't like who I am right now, please transform me from the inside out. Teach me to have my own mindset, know when it is the right time to act. Open up my heart to show love, and receive love. At the same time, not to lean on others, and do my part. There are so many more things I lack, physically, emotionally, psychologically, but I will not name them here because you know who I am and what I need to change.