I need a motivation to start losing weight again. I have regained almost all my weight, and as much as I want to be fitter, I can't bring myself to work out. Why is that? And I don't know why, maybe its cause I have deprived myself of it for so long, but my love for junk food is killing me. Ugh.

Close to You

가까이 다가가고 싶었지만 가까이 다가갈 수 없었습니다. 

내가 가까이 다가가면 다가가는 만큼 

그대가 멀어질 것 같아서..



가까이 다가가면.. 

내가 다가가면... 

그대는 영영 떠나갈 것 같아서

가까이 다가갈 수 없었습니다.



그대가 떠나간 뒤, 그 상처와 그리움 

감당할 수 없을 것 같아서

가까이 다가가고 싶었지만 

더이상 가까이 다가갈 수 없었습니다.



한 순간 가까웁다 영영 그대를 떠나게 하는 것보다 

거리는 조금 떨어져 있지만 오래도록 그대를 

바라보고 싶는 마음이 더 앞섰기에...

내 눈엔...

너 만 보인다는말...

난...거짓말이라고 생각해...

내눈엔 많은 사람들이 보여..

그 치만..그 많은 사람들 중에서

" 너만을 찾게돼..."



세상에 완벽한 남자와

완벽한 여자는없다.

모자라는 남자와

모자라는 여자가 만들어가는

완벽한 사랑만이 있을뿐이다.

- Yijeong Hanim

My heart.

I had posted about this before, but this thought has come to my head again as I lay here with insomnia.

What does my future hold? Where is my future?

I start a new job on Monday, and to be honest I was disappointed that it took me so long to get a job as I had been sending out resumes to so many places. And this marks a new start, but it shouldn't be where I should stay forever.

Then tonight, I had the thought of two words that do close and dear to my heart: 

香港。

Why? Certain thoughts led to certain things, and this word came up.

Summer of 2011 I was given the chance to explore Hong Kong for four months while working for my uncle at a simple desk job. The thought was so exciting, and honestly it was a pure blessing. I experienced somewhat the working culture, and the life there. The blessing came to me in the form of my relatives. I lived at my uncle's place which was out in the New Territories. Spacious and very similar to Canada. Went to work every day, and went out on the weekends with the girls who were also in HK that summer. I worked a 9-6 job, and lived in a wonderful place with wonderful people in excellent circumstances. All I worried about was where I wanted to go for the weekend. This is what everyone knew about that vacation. But those four months was the most distant I had been from God ever. Sure, I prayed before meals and didn't do bad things, but I probably went to church three times the entire summer. My excuse would be that church was too far away. I lived in Tuen Mun and my aunt's church was on the HK side. I remember the first month I was there, I skyped my fellowship at least once or twice while eating pancakes in te morning, just to listen in on the Bible study (if you were there, you would have known it failed miserably. Couldn't hear a thing. Thanks guys for trying.) I always felt that i was on vacation there, and it didn't matter: boy was I wrong. I felt so empty those months, as much as I was so happy experiencing everything around me. So I'm guessing that was why I indulged on food, on the verge of gluttony. And that is why I came back so fat ( see it all makes sense)

Fast forward two years, and I am visiting HK again, in the month of May, but this time with my family. And this time it was so different. I lived on the HK side, I didn't work, and I was only there for a month. But I still got to 'experience' working life in HK through my aunt whom we lived with (thank you for taking us in!). She worked long hours, and sometimes even though we would go out with my moms friends, there were multiple times where we would be home before she would be. Another 'experience' was with my mom's friends, uncles I would call them. Took us almost the entire month to fit us into their schedules so that we could eat with them. And even so, one of them technically only ate with us for an hour, as he had to go pick up his boss from the airport and go to another meeting. This is night time I am talking about! But this time, during this trip, I was able to experience God much much more. My brother and I were introduced to an English church which wasn't too far from where we lived, and we made an attempt to go every Sunday we were intown. The speaker captivated us, and God spoke to me through those messages. Not only through those messages, but throughout the entire trip, I really felt God with me wherever I went. 

Now to get to the real point of this post. I have a heart to live in this city, love this city, and serve this city. Especially since there is so much unrest and (dare I use the word) hatred. But my heart is also where I have lived most my life, where my  largest spiritual family is. And I have learned that as much as I personally would want something, it is my necessarily what God wants for me.

This summer I almost had a chance to intern at one of the larger banks in Hong Kong. And through prayer, and asking God for guidance, that door was closed on me. I'll fess up one of the reasons why I wanted to stay was because Shinhwa's first oversea concert for their 16 anniversary was in HK and that would be their first concert there. ANYWAY.

Door was closed on me, and I came back to work at my other job that God had blessed me with. For some reason I was at peace with God's direction, and I don't 'regret' it.

Living and working in Hong Kong is much harder than it is here. The competition is even more fierce and everything is about money. I would love to challenge myself to be in this environment, but I cannot bring to leave everything behind. My grandpa would love for me to be back in HK, closer to him. As is for everyone else in our families. But here is my prayer to God: 

Dear God, Heavenly Father.

I don't know what to do about my future as my heart is being torn. I can hear the city calling out to me, to serve and love everyone. But at the same time, my home church is calling out my name. I don't know what to do about where I want to go. But most importantly, where you would want me to go. God please show me the way, show me where you want me to go. As the song says

'I will go, I will go, I will go Lord send me to the world, to the lost, to the poor and hungry. Take everything I am, I'm clay within your hands, I will go, I will go send me' 

You might not even want me in Hong Kong, but Lord, send me where you want me to do your work. And I will go. Show me how you have planned my future to be. I put you in my heart as my GPS, and I will learn to trust you. I will trust you. I pray you will give me the wisdom to discern what is  the way. I thank you Lord for blessing me, with so many opportunities and experiences that I will never forget. As I know that everything, all glory goes back to you. Everything is because of you.

If you read this, please also pray for me that I will be able to find out what my future will be like. Whether it is to stay here in Toronto, or to go somewhere else in the world, that I will seek God to find the place for me. And that I will be able to provide for my family, and lift the burden off of my moms shoulders. 

Therr are things that I can't wrap my head around. The fact that I still feel this way. I have been told many times of different things, but somehow I don't see what people mention. I just see the good, or what I think is good. If this feeling is not even mutual why do I bother? It is probably because every so often you just pop back into my life again, and everything just starts all over again. 

How do I stop this? I get it.

I'm jus a hopeless romantic, thinking things are different because you are who you are, and I am me.

Unless you are the first to say something, I am not going to ever be that forward.

I joined the a body fitness program at my school, and I am hoping for the best :) The program is named "Cre-8 Your Best Body" They have sent me a something like a workout routine. I have already started working out since the beginning of school, so hopefully it'll help me prep for the 'measurements' on Thursday. Nervous and excited at the same time.
So this post is just to mark the start of a 8 week program. Hopefully something will be awesome.
But, I've gotta find some sort of meal plan I can do, cause the one they gave me was crappy :/

The greatest thing a man can do for a woman is to lead her closer to God than to himself.

Today I learned of the passing of my cousins' grandma. No she is not my grandma. But I did get the honor of meeting her two years ago. I was in Hong Kong two years ago, by myself, and I lived with my cousin and her family. I remember on weekends, in the evening, we would go to grandma's place where she lived with her helper to have dinner with her.
The first time I met her, I remember she spoke a Chinese dialect, which was familiar to Cantonese. I understood most of what she said, but I really liked talking to her. even though it was my first time meeting her, she talked to me as if she has known me for a long time. She told me to love my mom, treasure and respect her. I will never forget her telling me that.
She then showed me all the photos on the wall. Across from her bed, there was a wall plastered with photos. Photos of my cousins when they were babies, my aunt when they got married, and the rest of the family. From cousins, to daughters, songs and even great grand children.
Although her body was not in the best condition, she still had a smile on her face. All I remember of her are good memories, although I have only been able to interact with her for a short period of time, her personality seeped through her skin.
This summer when I went back, I did not get the chance to visit her. And now I truly regret that.

Thank you grandma for making such a last impact on me. I have only visited you on less than 5 occasions, but I enjoyed every single one of them. Now that you are in heaven, may you rest in peace. You are now in a place with no pain, sickness, and nothing bad. Watch over your grandchildren and great grandchildren as they continue to grow, and now take care of your children.

<3