I'm upset.

I'm upset at myself.

Why?

How did I let myself get this way at all?

I haven't stepped on the scale in a long time, but I know that all I am doing is moving the scale up. 

And I hate myself for it.

I have never really liked my body all of my life.

I was always bigger than everyone else, so I am very self conscious.

To think around last year at this time, I was so fit. I was doing so much exercise, and now i really want to exercises but have no strength to. I'm always tired and stressed, no motivation to do anything like this. 

I lost all my muscles from before. All my stamina.

I hate myself.

I have been hurt so many times.
Sometimes by the same people. I mainly know the reason why.
I am super sensitive. I tend to take things personally.
But sometimes I know when it is personal. At those points in time, people usually express themselves. But me?
Would I want to make a big scene?
No.
Would I want to make the other person feel the way I did?
No.
So what do I do? I do nothing.

God gave me the power to do so. But sometimes I am not so sure. I cannot express the frustration back to God... or can I? I never know, but I know I can rely on God to give me wisdom and strength to deal with it.

I shovel all the snow that has piled up to my heart all night
I take off the smiling clown make-up
I empty the trash folder that can’t retrieved back
A maze, I pray that someone will scoop me up
 - Hurts


"How are you?"
That isn't a question I hear a lot. That I answer a lot. That isn't a question I know howto answer. How am I? So many things that pop into my head. I may seem to stutter in my answers, and that is because I don't know how to answer. I never know how to answer. I always try to answer in a non-offensive way.

I guess that is also my tendency to bottle up stuff inside because
1) I never know how to express myself adequately so the other party knows what I was trying to portray
2) I am afraid that my emotions will come between whoever I am expressing about/to

I also run on two basic rules when I am about to express how I feel:
1) Would expressing myself be constructive to the situation?
2) Am I just ranting on and on?

Although I have best friends, good friends, I have yet to find someone I can fully confide in. It's not that I don't love them and I don't want to share everything I think, but there are many times that I would think I was being a burden more than whatever.

So if you know me, forgive me for being secretive. Forgive me for not saying anything. Forgive me for being quiet. At that moment I might not even know how I feel. And even when I know how I feel it doesn't mean I can express it so that you know how I feel.

Have you ever had times when you felt dumb for not being able to accomplish something? Or that you've done stuff that other people call you stupid for doing so? And then you question yourself: " Then what am I good for?"

And then there are times when I know I am too full of myself, and I ask myself "What are you doing stupid?" There is that one common word: stupid.

These few years that is how I have felt about myself. I forget words that I literally just spoke minutes ago, I don't know how to use words that I hear other people use, I keep drawing blanks when asked for ideas, and I can't keep my thoughts straight. There are things people say I'm 'good at' but honestly,  they are just being polite. 

I am not very smart, very easily swayed, and very eager to help. I love shoving my self to be part of everything, and I am the awkward one. I don't love myself the way I have described myself to be up there, but God for some reason loves me very much because of those exact reasons. 

I am still learning to receive that love from God, because there are many times that I think I am undeserving of that love. But of course He loves me no matter who I am, what I do. 

God, please speak to me, I want to be different, I want to change. I don't like who I am right now, please transform me from the inside out. Teach me to have my own mindset, know when it is the right time to act. Open up my heart to show love, and receive love. At the same time, not to lean on others, and do my part. There are so many more things I lack, physically, emotionally, psychologically, but I will not name them here because you know who I am and what I need to change.

Indecisive? God seeking.

God has been so good and gracious to me. He has provided me with more than I deserve, and more than I could have imagined. Every since I started working, He has blessed me with open doors and opportunities that other people seldom have. I started working in Grade 11, and I started off immediately at a Chinese television broadcasting station. I got to participate in many public events, and quickly build my skill sets. Then I was blessed with a temporary secretary job, followed by caring for seniors. Ok enough listing, down to the real stuff.
Things were just given to me by God so easily, and to me so mind blowing. And recently I have come to think about my blessings given by my Lord. I know God is gracious, but I wanted to think of why God wanted to bless me in this way, what is His reasoning?
Then recently, God had given me another opportunity, this time at a even bigger scale. To assist in political campaigns in Markham and Richmond Hill. When I heard it I was blown out of the water on the importance of this job, and the scale of the job. I am honored that God thought that I was ready for something like this. And I didn't respond immediately. I just started thinking about the things I had to do, but I think what impacted me the most was what I would miss. I thought about whether this would hinder me serving at church, or time spend with fellow brothers and sisters. I was not willing to give those up at that time. I was really in a limbo (was that the right place to use this word?) I didn't know what to choose, I was given too many choices. I thought and I thought, and before I knew it, I had thought about it and prayed for it for two months. TWO MONTHS! SIXTY DAYS! I don't know whether I couldn't trust myself, or I doubted God. But for two months, I was stressed over my choice. And stress was really what I felt.
I know I don't want to do this for my own reasons, but to serve God. Although I would be working for these councilors, ultimately I am working for my Father. That was what made me commit to this job. If I took the job, I would still be serving God, but just not at my church.
I had just replied to taking the job on Sunday, and I realized that I breathed a sigh of relief, decision time is over. I have finished, making the decision. But now I have to talk to my other boss about cutting hours.

If my church friends read this, I would really like them to pray for me, to be considerate for me over the next few months. I am sorry that through this job I might disappoint some of you, and this is my "ahead of time apologies". If I get too busy, and I can't chill with you guys after church or even at FROW, please know that I would have loved to be there, but I must do my job, and serve how God would want me to. Please pray for me, for God to give me the reason, EQ and IQ to deal with this job, and situations that may come up. I love each and everyone of my brothers and sisters at church, and I hope that you guys can support me, even though I don't know how much I could support you guys this summer.

God, Father, thank you for your blessing. Thank you for your discernment to take this job. Please give me the strength to get through it, and that I would be able to do your will during those times.

"Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need" - Matthew 6:33.

Surprise!

I haven't posted in a while, and I posted not really about my feelings. And this time I wanted to post about serving at the church. I am not here to boast, but to really share my heart in ministry.
I have served in the church in many ministries. Some ministries I have left, and some I have continued serving in. Any ministry that anybody gets to serve in is such a great privilege, and honor. I have been serving on the children ministry for almost as long as I remember, just shy of 8 years (I am probably wrong, but it has been a while). I am not counting scores for the time I have served, but it has been a while.

Serving on the children side is such a wonderful feeling, especially working with the younger ones. Being able to see them grow so quickly, makes your heart all fuzzy and warm. I am able to witness God's miracles grow up, from not knowing how to read to suddenly serving on the English side. But I must admit, ministry isn't all green meadows and rainbows, not perfect each and every time. And I would hate to say this, sometimes the days make you doubt your choice of serving. Children being rowdy, nothing going right, you know just everything that could go wrong for a normal school teacher could happen in Sunday school too.

I can recall there were lessons when some of the kids were still very young, that I would end up teaching lessons with kid in arm, still crying (or having them somehow fall asleep in my arms). I am not complaining (because those times are when we create the warmest memories with the kids, or the cutest memories) but those times can be trying.

Today I was speaking with one of the children's moms, just striking up a casual conversation. And she brought up how her daughters were, and how she had also brought her niece today. Her niece used to come to church every few months; so we didn't see her very often. But when she did come, she was able to integrate into the group no problem. That, I believe, played a very important part in her life. As we continued the conversation, the mom told me that her niece always asked her dad to visit aunty, so that she could go to church the next day! When I heard that, it really touched my heart, as calm as I was outside, inside I was jumping up and down with joy. To put this in perspective, the niece lives in Mississauga, and coming to us is quite a trip. She had asked to have a sleepover on Saturday, so that she would be able to attend church on Sunday morning. She is asking to be brought to church. I praise the Lord for His work in her heart, this little child. She's under the age of 10, and she is already yearning I told the mom how encouraged I am having heard this, and then she gave me the K.O. part of her story. Her niece, on top of asking to come to church, has asked her auntie for a Bible. I was overjoyed with the news, and I was really encouraged by the news.

As I have said, children ministry can be hard, and challenging (physically and mentally). But seeing God touch this little heart, it encouraged me to give the kids 110% of the love God has given me. To be there for them on Sundays when I am teaching them, and to visit them and care for them in their times of need. As we learned, there is a meaning to everything we do in our lives. Sometimes we don't know why we are doing it, and sometimes even if we know why, Satan tries to get in our way.

Thank you God for the encouragement, and for allowing me to serve you and your children. Thank you for giving me the experience, and thank you for speaking through me to the children. I feel so blessed that I was able to help you do your work on this Earth, be a method of communication between you and the children. I need to learn to have that child-like faith, and really yearn for your love.

8 year relationship.

For those who have known me for a long time, you know that I had a very big phase where the only KPOP group I really loved was DBSK. And when they had that infamous split, I was not totally depressed, but not quite happy about it either. I didn't see the reason why that had to happen. I don't remember how many years it has been now, but I think it has been half a decade since the five of them stood on stage together. I can't say that I don't miss what they used to have, but today was when I see that maybe the split was really good for them after all.

I was watching Junsu's (he is now known as XIA) concert, and it made me reflect on what all five of them are doing now. Jaejoong went in the direction of rock music, Junsu's music really showcases his voice (not that the DBSK ones didn't), Yoochun went full blast into acting, and Changmin and Yunho stayed as "DBSK" with SM. Of course I can't ignore JYJ (what the three went into before doing their solo activities).

Junsu's music is fantastic, and some songs are even bone chillingly awesome. Of course there have been some...wtf songs (Tarantellagra), and then 11 o'clock. Big contrast, but it really was one/two beautiful albums.
Jaejoong's music I am not as much of a fan (not really a rock music kind of person), but there is so much angst in his music. Maybe it's from the years that he has been suppressed within DBSK.
Yoochun. I LOVED him in Rooftop Prince (one of my favourite k-dramas from within the last five years). When he was in DBSK, I didn't know he could act. He sort of took the backseat in receiving love (this is also from only my point of view... so I don't know). I anticipate more work from him.
Changmin and Yunho stayed as DBSK as current KPOP fans know. I think this duo works well in a way cause they are of the same stature, and it makes Yunho pick up even more singing (yes, Yunho please continue to improve your singing. No more nasally singing).

With the four different ways they have gone, I can see more happiness from all of them. I can see that they are all doing what they really enjoy. Not that DBSK was not something enjoyable for them, but this is different, their talents are shown in the ways that they want to.

But I think what makes me sad, is that current fans will never know how big the five of them were. More than EXO, more than 2PM, more than B2ST, more than all of the boy groups will gather and achieve in their lifetime as idols. I am not biased (well maybe slightly), but they were able to achieve two world records within their time. 1) Most photographed celebrity and 2) Largest official fanclub in the world. And the fanclub is only counting those officially registered as a Cassiopeia (sadly, I am not an official fan club member).

I will always anticipate the reuniting of the five of them. But for now, I am at peace knowing that the five are doing what they want, and that they will always be DBSK.. just promoting separately.

DBSK <3 Always keep the faith :)